[RealOG]

Heard this one this morning:

Q: What do tight jeans and a cheap motel have in common?

A: No ballroom.

[andviv]

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?" Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your ass?" The little boy answered "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker". Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer".

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: "Can I have a cigar Grandpa?" Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?" Once again the little boy replies, "No, it's too little". Gramps replies, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar".

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies. Grandpa asks, "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?" The boy asks, "Can your pecker touch your ass?" Gramps replies, "Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass". The little boy replies, "Then go fuck yourself - Grandma made these for me".

[yveskleinsky]

INTERESTING STUDY by UCLA Medical Research

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where
she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is
attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is
pre-menstrual or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with
duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on
fire.

No further studies are expected.

[JesseO]

L.o.l

[andviv]

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancé, and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry". The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?" "I don't like her."

[Kung Fu Steve]

Anybody know the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?

A bad golfer goes WHACK! ... Dang!!!

A bad skydiver goes Dang!!!.... WHACK!

[andviv]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:

"I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache."

"Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone!" "Well, that is wonderful!" proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "WOW! That was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "OH MY GOD!" she proclaims. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

[MsMoney]

A man was at a conference and saw the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He approached her and they started talking. The man shared with this woman how his Father is in the same business as he and is very ill and will be dying any day now, and that he will be a very wealthy man.

He gave this woman his business card and said he'd like to start dating & marry. She took his card and 3 days later became his Step-Mother.

Moral of this story: Women are very resourceful! LOL!!

[Banthaman]

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[Banthaman]

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

[JesseO]

I think ya missed the joke, Bear :-P

[andviv]

The President is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with, "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!" Immediately his speech writer rushes over and whispers in the President's ear, "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath!"

[andviv]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag." "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off - kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it?" So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden pruners. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, and say, "Okay buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!"

"Well, that seems only fair...?" said the cop laughing. "Okay. Good luck! Oh by the way - what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know" said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[HockeyGuy]

nice. needed some humor at the moment....

[Banthaman]

In the beginning there was nothing. Then God said, "Let there be light." And there was still nothing but at least you could see it.

[andviv]

[andviv]

[Bilgefisher]

lol I wish I could put that badger over my desk at work.

[Russ H]

Here ya go, Bilge.

It's the biggest image of the badger I could find:

http://i272.photobucket.com/albums/j...the-badger.jpg

Should look OK if you print it on a good photo printer, and then enlarge it on a color copier.

-Russ H.

[andviv]

Olive oil comes from Olives
Baby Oil comes from ????